I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2
Watching a loved one struggle with depression is a frustrating, often exhausting battle. For many of us, our natural inclination is to try to “cheer up” someone who appears unhappy. For someone with depression, this is not always possible, and the effort involved can leave caregivers feeling exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally drained.
Briefly let’s remind ourselves what depression is – a mental illness that has both an environmental and a chemical component. It doesn’t always require a trigger! That means that sometimes a depressive episode can happen for no apparent reason. This is difficult for both those struggling with depression and those who love them.
“Why are they so depressed? Is my love for them not enough? Is our life together not good enough? Why can’t they just pull themselves out of this?”
These are very tough, very real questions that many caregivers find themselves asking as they struggle against the illness weighing down their loved one. Mental illness, just like physical illness, is hard on a family, not the least because it wears out the caregiver. Most who have cared for a loved one through any kind of illness or injury – from cancer to a broken foot – have experienced the emotional and physical toll it demands. Loving someone with a mental illness is even more insidious, because the illness is usually invisible. Many caregivers aren’t aware of the toll it takes on themselves until they are near the “breaking point.”
What can we do about it?
- Ask yourself what you need – If you aren’t aware of your own needs, you cannot seek to meet them. “What do you need?” is a question we easily ask others but forget to ask ourselves. For example: caregiving can be consuming and isolating. If you become aware that you’ve begun to feel isolated, you can begin to take steps to reach out to family, friends, church, and community to meet that need! If you don’t ask yourself what your needs are, you might not become aware of them until you no longer have the emotional energy to seek a solution. Some basic needs are:
- Physical: sleep, nutrition, finances, etc.
- Emotional/Relational: love/affection, appreciation, social connection, etc.
- Spiritual: relationship with God, sense of safety, sense of stability, etc.
- Make a plan to meet your needs whenever possible – Take a look at the list above, and ask yourself if there is a need on that list that strikes a chord with you. Have you been struggling in your relationship with God? Maybe planning to attend church or a small group is a good place to start. If that seems difficult in your circumstances, there are also numerous Bible study apps with plans designed to fit into the busiest schedule. Has it been a long time since you’ve had a good conversation with a friend? Send a text or make a quick call and find a time to meet, virtually if necessary. Haven’t been eating or sleeping well? Ask an organized friend (or Pinterest) to help you make a sleep schedule or a weekly meal plan.
“This sounds selfish! They need me!”
Sure, but you cannot pour from an empty pitcher. If you give everything you have, there will be nothing left, not for you and not for them either.
Lastly:
- Help them help themselves – Depression cannot be “cured” but it can be treated. Ask for help! A counselor or someone with experience successfully battling mental illness can help your loved one learn to develop healthy coping skills of their own and identify unhealthy patterns that could be changed. For severe depression, a general practitioner or psychiatrist can discuss with you whether medication to correct that chemical imbalance might help your loved one get back on the right track.
This journey is a marathon, not a sprint, and there is no reason that we have to do it alone. It’s okay to reach out and ask for help! As in every situation, God is ready and able to give us what we need to get through the toughest times. When we remind ourselves to fix our eyes on Him, we are no longer just looking for the “light at the end of the tunnel” – we remember that He is the Light of the World.
I lift my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2